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February 5, 2016

February 5, 2016

Interesting now to reflect back on the days leading up to my surgery. There was worry and fear about the actual procedure but more of the turmoil I was feeling was about the discovery of another place in my life where I had gotten so far away from the person I really know myself to be. I am constantly working to shorten the distance between the point of making a poor decision that is not best for me and the length of time it takes to make a change for the better. 

I started to remember in the days before my surgery that I had asked questions about alternatives to the silicone, including using my own body fat (though I was told I was too thin), saline (too ripply) and doing nothing post-mastectomy (but don't you want to look normal?). In the end I went with the silicone and was even pressured (not by my doctor but by someone else close to me) to go "as big as possible." Bigger is better, right? WTF. I have no regrets and place no blame. We do the best we can in any given moment. I do identify though with the sadness of wishing I had owned my true self more clearly. I wish I had trusted my questions as doubt. I wish I had not felt pressured to conform. In the end, what is normal? Are any of us normal? I want to feel "normal" within and that means making decisions that are in my own best interest. I don't miss my real breasts or the fake ones. Right now I am embracing the freedom in my heart and in my system. I know myself best and, in the end, am the one that is in this body.

February 8, 2016 (1/3)

February 8, 2016 (1/3)

February 4, 2016 (2/3)

February 4, 2016 (2/3)