March 3, 2016
Six weeks out from my surgery, I can finally put my arms over my head and took the time to try on some of my clothes. I went into the endeavor with a preconceived notion that I was done wearing dresses. I was ready to fully step into my “tomboyish” style with the flat chest. I was surprised by what I liked and did not like with this new iteration of my body. I actually loved how some of my dresses now fit, especially the ones that accentuated my flat chest.
Beyond the utilitarian, if what we wear is an expression of who we are on the inside, I realized the relevant question right now was not “does it work with my flat chest?” but “does this truly make me feel like my favorite version of myself?” This last surgery has granted me a new wave of self-permission to own who I am.
I have been swayed in the past by a partner who questioned if I was always going to wear black (um, yes, most of the time) or by the fear that my tomboy style (in part) caused another to betray me. However, every time I tried to conform to another’s real or assumed vision of what is beautiful, I eventually felt disconnected from myself and craved my “feel good” uniform- a white t-shirt, black jeans and my sneakers. There is something beautiful and freeing in knowing who we are and trusting that the right people will love us for any exterior expression of who we are on the inside.