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September 6, 2016

September 6, 2016

Why do I torture myself?

I walk up this hot, dry, sinking hill time and time again.

Where do I think it will lead?

I dress myself up and hope to experience something different than before.

I can see fully in every direction.

Every rock.

Every plant.

Every slope.

No shade left untouched by the hot, blazing sun.

There is no mystery here.

The landscape is an open book.

Yet my hope leads me back to that hill once again.

I show up with my suitcase of dreams, wishes, expectations and desires.

I’ve packed my best intentions.

I am ready to stay, but there is no availability.

All booked.

I have dreamt of and yearned for a beautiful oasis, but it is never there.

There is dryness as far as my eye can see.

When will I realize {learn/honor/value/respect myself/know} that it is time to walk the other way?

I know there is water/ice/food/drink/love/shelter/friend {truth/honesty/depth/respect/reciprocity/love} just across the way.

They {I} are {am} ready to welcome {see/honor/respect/hear/meet} me.

So I turn and go.

Today.

“It’s not going to fucking happen. Don’t even pretend as if it is going to happen,” were the words screamed at me in a vivid dream of someone I have tried to love with all my heart. I was trying to get this person to see me, meet me, connect with me and love me in the way that I hope to do for those I love. My response was, “Fuck you, you asshole.” But as I walked away from this person in my dream, I quickly realized that was not what I wanted to be saying. Yes, those words were exactly what my hurt wanted to cry out in reactive pain.  Yet in my heart, as I walked away from that whole scene in my dream, I had the deep realization that, in the end, I was at fault. For years, I had held expectations and had hoped to be treated in ways that were unrealistic. I had been living a dream in real life. I continued to show up with the best intentions and wide-eyed hopes and desires only to be met with blank stares. At some point, it is my responsibility to myself to take my hopes, dreams and enthusiasm elsewhere.

I have continued to climb the same hill to nowhere. I expect that the trek will be worth the struggle each new time. I naively set out to face the sinking sand, the blazing rays of the sun and the radiating heat one more time. It will be different this time, yet, somewhere deep inside me, I have known there is no oasis at the top of this hill. So why do I return to try again and again in search of some shady, welcoming spot to rest and share? Why don’t I turn and walk in another direction? The wind blows and brings voice of other lands where there is welcome and sustenance. Where do I want to go?  How do I want to feel? How do I show myself respect? How do I care for my own health and wellbeing? Where does hope meet reality? Where does reality meet what I desire? When do I need to walk in a different direction? I have learned this lesson before. I have been provided with a clear map. I know the way. It is a choice, and only mine to make. 

September 7, 2016

September 7, 2016

August 26, 2016

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