May 4, 2017
I have struggled a bit as of late with what I want to share here on the Last Cut platform. My first commitment to the project, and the Last Cut community, was to vulnerably share the experience of the explant surgery and aftermath for a year. That commitment expanded rather quickly into the initial round of Last Cut Conversations and Season 1 of the Last Cut Conversations Podcast. What a phenomenal ride it has been so far.
As I am nearly half way through the second year of Last Cut’s growth, there has been an internal dialogue and ongoing conversation with Lisa and others close to me about how best to continue to share my personal story while speaking more broadly to a universal Last Cut way of being. In referring to the Last Cut life, I speak of brave and bold choices made to line us up with an inner knowing, a truth we know in the body. The knowing though, like the decisions, is so very individual. These last cuts help us heal, shift, evolve, grow, do, feel and live more happily, with greater wellness and an overall sense of personal freedom. These moments of moving away from or going towards clarify who we are and how we want to live the beautiful gift of life we have been given.
In reflecting on the sharing of my explant, I note a point of transition that happens when we open up, radically go there and tease out all aspects of a last cut moment in life. In time, we find peace. We find forgiveness. We find closure. We find love. We find freedom. There is incredible liberation in the choosing and profound healing in the telling. The metaphor of the explant, whether that of silicone implants or any other inconsistency we carry within us, will remain fundamental to Last Cut, and my chest scars mark one of the most transitional times of my life.
Here and now, sitting in this place of consideration, not only of what do I desire to share next, but what is my “last cut” edge in this moment, I came upon something that is incredibly raw and personal. I love connection, kindness, laughter and love, and am desiring more of that in my life, with my daughter, my friends and lover. I have been sitting with this one for a while now and probably rode out a period of internal discomfort and professional eddy about whether or not to migrate something so personal into the public domain. Yet, as I walked a labyrinth this morning and write this now, I recognize my next last cut. In my commitment to myself and the project, I choose to share.
I know how to do brave. I know how to do tough. I know how to do focus and discipline. I can set my mind and action to a do list like nobody’s business. I can make it work. I can get to work. I have that part down. Holding it together comes naturally to me, sometimes even to a fault. I love a spotless space, order and control. However, some of the above traits can stunt connection. I can distract my heart with my “to do” list. I can be in work or control mode and end up feeling extremely lonely. I am wanting for deeper, softer and more vulnerable moments in relationships that I inadvertently block.
I crave the softness, the opening, the connection. I crave being seen, not only for my bravery and boldness, but for my loveliness and heart. So therein lies my most recent place of internal questioning and play. How do I live the values and uphold my truths while softening the heart and fostering the beauty? How do I hold my vision and a loved one’s hand? How do I remain captivated by my work and drive and allow myself to simultaneously be captivating? At the end of the day, we are fed by so many feelings and things in life. I have finally found a self-sustaining force within myself after nearly 42 years and now long to be fed by a deeper bond with the loved ones in my life. I desire to be seen and held by a love more vulnerable, raw and deep than ever known before. The road to those moments begins with my willingness to soften and be open, and create space for the very things I want to welcome.